Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Total Truth Tuesday

Here's my total truth this week - Sometimes I am terrified that I am doing the worst possible job as a mom.

Truly, there are days when I am thoroughly convinced I am the worst mom my kids could have ever gotten. And, here's why:

I yell too much.
I never know quite how to discipline.
My days are unstructured.
It is quite possible that I overindulge them
I let them talk back sometimes because I think knowing your place is overrated.
I don't always handle conflicts like a grown-up.
I let their laundry pile up.
It is possible that I have at, one time or another, said swear words in their presence.
It is possible that they have, at one time or another, repeated swear words in my presence.
Sometimes I forget to give them a bath because we're too busy watching movies on the couch.
Their bedtime is not always set in stone.
I sleep in more often than I should.
My idea of breakfast is giving them yogurt and turning on Wonder Pets so I can sleep just a few extra minutes.

I am making mistakes on a daily basis. In fact, on an hourly basis. But, imperfect as I am, I am hoping that the one thing that will erase the damage I'm doing to my girls is their absolute faith that, in the words of Elizabeth Barrett Browning, I love them "to the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach."

So, Kai and Ivy, my precious girls, if you read this someday in an attempt to understand how it was possible that I could ruin your life so completely by making sloppy joe's too often for dinner or forgetting to wash your sheets as often as I should, please know this:

I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints,—I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life!—and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

(Sonnets from the Portuguese, Elizabeth Barrett Browning)


BooLovey said...

Wow! You put into words exactly how I feel. I have never heard that poem before and it is very beautiful. Last night my children had strawberry waffles for dinner ... while watching Max and Ruby on television ... I'm trying not to feel too guilty. Thanks for sharing.

jen said...

I think strawberry waffles and Max & Ruby at dinnertime is an awesome way to spend the evening! Don't feel guilty about that at all!

Kim N said...

Thank you for an honest post. These are my favorite kind. I think it helps us all as mother's to know that it is okay to not be perfect. I especially like that you said you turn on a show sometimes to get a little extra sleep because that is something that has caused me guilt on many occasions! I am glad I am not the only one!