Fitting in...

In case you haven't noticed, I'm not great at fitting in. I'm just one of those people who was born noticeably less like everyone else.

I'm not like the working professional parents. I'm not your typical SAHM. I'm not fully organic. Not fully mainstream. I'm not a traditional church girl. I'm not extremely counter-culture either. I am a visitor in many social scenes, but an inhabitant of none.

I've been through the adolescent efforts to squash and cram myself into a personality that isn't mine but that fits into more social molds. It doesn't work. I'm either unconvincing or feel like I've betrayed myself in doing so.

As a result, I have learned to embrace my true self (it's still a work in progress, but you know what I mean...) And, I came to the conclusion a long, long time ago that the price of individuality (i.e. never fitting in) was one I was willing to pay to be who I am.

However, as a mom, I am starting to wonder if my choice is a fair one to my kids. I am noticing, for a variety of reasons, that I am just not like the other parents at school, at church, at playgroup, at wherever. And, I'm okay with that for myself. But, when I see how it is taking a toll on my girls I start to question my decisions.

Whether it be exclusion from birthday parties or just not fitting in at school, I am wondering if I am giving my kids the choice to fit in or not. Don't get me wrong, I think fitting in is HIGHLY overrated. But, should I let my girls make that choice for themselves? Should I reign myself in so I'm not always the mom who just isn't quite like the other moms? Should tattoos be covered and more "normal" clothes be worn? Should I try to act a little more like a chameleon where my kids are concerned? Is it fair to force my girls to be the "different" kids before they even get a chance to figure themselves out?

To be honest, I don't know.

I know that Kai is already different from the other kids. I know that the other day when her teacher said that she wished Kai could just "act like the other kids" I was furious. Because she isn't the other kids. She never will be. She is, undeniably, Kai. And that is why I love her. And I know that is what makes her special. And I know that being yourself is worth missing out on a few birthday parties.

I guess, for now, I'll trust my instincts and give them the freedom to be who they choose to be and hope and pray that they'll understand that a necessary element of being brought up that way is having a mom who is who she is. Even if she never fits in.

If all else fails, there's always lots and lots of therapy. In fact, maybe I'll start saving for that now...